Found!

I got the most wonderful call today. After much searching, my mom found the photos in my grandparents' attic! I am beyond happy and cannot wait to get hold of them. I'm planning on scanning them all so we have a back-up. So expect to see them cropping up here from time to time.

All Gone

My favorite thing to do with Nanny was get out the boxes of old pictures and look at them. I wanted to know who everyone was and stories about each. I grew up knowing that some day I would be the one to take care of them.

This past weekend, we visited my parents and went by Nanny and Poppy's house. I was finally going to take the pictures home and scan them all. And they were gone. We looked all over the house and couldn't find them.

I'm in mourning. I feel like I've lost Nanny all over again. All those beautiful photos of her. My mom's baby pictures. Photos of great and great-great grandparents. All gone. How will Henry ever get to know these people now? I'd counted on those pictures.

Heartsick.

Missing Her

Today, as I was worrying about Henry, I felt my grandmother's absence more than usual. My grandmother Ruth Schosser, my Nanny, was one of the few people I've ever really, truly loved. She died three years ago this past May.

She never met sweet Henry. After years of saying we weren't going to have kids, we decided to start trying right around the time Nanny was diagnosed with cancer. I am glad that I told her about our decision before she got her bad news. She was so happy about it. She always loved having a houseful of children running around. It's supremely unfair that we're all starting to have children and she isn't around to enjoy them.

Nanny was a nurse and she would have known exactly what's been going on with Henry. I kept having this vague, unformed notion today that if I just called her house, she would answer. And while I napped with Henry today, I dreamt that I could see her from a distance standing on her porch. I hurried to meet her, unable to believe how lucky I was that she was back, only to have her disappear right as I reached the house.

During her last few weeks, I quit my job and went home to be with her. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was such a beautiful, shattering time. And it allowed me to receive a final gift from her, a gift that I didn't even know she had given at the time. But when I got pregnant with Henry and worried about the great unknown of labor, I found that I knew deep down I would have the strength to bring him safely into this world, because I had been strong enough to be present and ease her passing. So in a sense, at least, she was there for the birth of my son, just as she would have liked to have been.

Still Here

I didn't disappear again, I promise! I've started several entries, but Henry's been keeping me busy. Apparently, typing disturbs his naps.

Also, he's not been eating as much as he should the last couple of days and it has me really worried. All his other behavior is normal, though. We're seeing the doctor tomorrow morning and hopefully, everything will be just fine.

Back From the Ether

It's been over a year now and I'm finally back. I didn't even know I had any comments until today and I apologize for essentially never being heard from again. I have some really good excuses, though, if anyone is still out there. I got pregnant in May, quit my job, and we moved to Virginia from California in September (the day after my 20 week ultrasound informing us we were having a boy). I've even got a new name. After nine years of marriage, I took my husband's last name to avoid confusion when the baby came along.

Our little love, Henry Uebler Webb, was born on February 17, 2007 at 9:09PM at home in our bed. And his very strong personality has been guiding our every move since then! As you can see*, he's a big boy--15lbs. 14oz. at his last check-up. We're so proud. *Photos have been removed due to privacy concerns--sorry!

The whole time I was pregnant, I couldn't bring myself to make anything. I'd start a couple of things and never complete them. It was so weird, but I think it was because in September 2004, I had a miscarriage and somewhere in my subconscious, I was convinced that this pregnancy would end tragically, too. I would be ordering stuff for his room or buying clothes and catch myself thinking, "I won't be able to handle having these things around when we find out there's something wrong." So, crafting for him, putting all those loving thoughts and hopes into every stitch, while fearing that I would never see the little one for whom they were intended was too much to bear.Thankfully, he was born, small, but healthy and I was consumed with his constant care.

Then David gave me a laptop for Mother's Day, which at the time I thought was completely insane. "On the most meaningful event of your first Mother's Day, let me present you with some electronics." After I dragged the information from my mom in advance, I proceeded to make an ass out of myself by having a "discussion" with David about the appropriateness and expense of the gift only to find out he'd also bought me an amethyst necklace (both his and Henry's birthstone) and planned a little presentation which I completely ruined.

Now, I love my laptop. Once Henry began napping with more predictability, I began lurking on my favorite craft blogs and soon my hands were once again itching to create something. I didn't want to crochet yet, though. Then I remembered that I had Jess Hutchinson's "Unusual Toys for You to Knit and Enjoy" and the supplies to make them. I'd bought it primarily for the cute bear which I found out as I opened the booklet was named Henry. It was fate and here I am crafting again. I will post some results of my labor in the next few days. I'm not doing my own designs again yet, but it's a start!

I think this blog will be a lot about my journey with Henry now, in addition to the crafty stuff. I'm happy to be back and I hope you'll feel the same.